So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
