we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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