reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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