Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
