I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
