turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
