It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
