the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
