she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
