Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
