I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
its liver damage thursday
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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