dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
