I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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