Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
