you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
