Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
