I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
