I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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