Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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