I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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