FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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