When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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