My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
