btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
