D3 body, D1 cock
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
