the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
