We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
