saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
