Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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