from now on my penis is your penis
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
