In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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