He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
