So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
