Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
