I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
