have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
