Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
