Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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