addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
