Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
