I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
