I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
