she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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