You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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