Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
