my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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