I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
