There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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