I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The uberlube is also flammable
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
