Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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