You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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